In-Laws

As a soon to be married individual, I have a lot to learn.  I am pretty clueless when it comes to marriage.  I have tried to read about the challenges that come from marriage and the things I will need to prepare for but I worry that nothing can prepare you for the real thing.  I read a chapter by James Harper about In-laws and how to create good, healthy relationships with them. It was called, Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Family.  His suggestions in that chapter were plentiful but they were all very good.

 The main part that stuck out to me was that a newly married couple needs to break off from their parents and make their own family unit.  This seems like such an abrupt break!  I am a family girl.  I talk to at least one member of my family every day.  They mean a lot to me and I greatly respect their opinions and advice.  This has been one issue that I have struggled with since being engaged and will probably struggle with a lot more once I am married.  I don't want to get too personal here so I will just say that my family's opinion has a great deal of effect on the choices I make.  This does not sit well with my fiance.  We worry about making the transition into our own family.  I think Harper gives a lot of good advice that I can use in my own transition. 

My favorite piece of advice was discussing with your parents the change that is about to happen.  I think this change is pretty abrupt.  One day we are dating someone they barely know and the next day we are promising to live with this person forever.  There will be some growing pains on both sides.  It is hard to let go to a lifestyle you have held for the last 20 + years.  The good news is you dont have to let go completely!  Harper says that we should love our parents just as much if not more now that we are married!  We just need to understand that the love we have for them is in a different context.  We need to make our own decisions, and then celebrate our choices with them.  They are still a huge part of our lives but it will work just a little bit differently.  This will make the adjustment seem a little less abrupt and a little more do able.  

There are so many tips that Harper gives in his article but I cannot do them justice.  I just hope you will go read it for yourself.  It is a little long but is so worth the read.  Making friends with your in-laws could be a major prevention of divorce!  Harper says that 80 percent of divorced couples admit that their parents didn't approve of the marriage in the first place!  So give it a shot!  It could save your marriage, and a lot of gray hairs!  

 

Battle of the Sexes

My fiance and I always have long talks about the difference between men and women.  He is very conservative and he tells me I can get pretty feminist at times.  We enjoy defending our sex and discussing the benefits and challenges of both men and women.  At times our talks even get a little heated. But in the end, we agree that our life would be missing a piece if we didn’t have the other gender.  He hates cooking and I don’t know the first thing about a car so we are happy to have each other and know that differences are what make men and women perfect for each other.

I think in today’s world, we get a little too concerned about who is winning and how much respect we get.  We forget that there are positive attributes in both genders.  Especially when it comes to raising children.  I was talking to my soon to be in-laws about the challenge of raising children.  They went on forever about how glad they were to have their spouse while they were taking care of their babies.  Sometimes all little boys need is a dad’s love to calm them down.  Other children won’t stop screaming until they get into their mother’s arms.  Moms and Dads teach specific skills to their children but these skills are best learned when they teach in unity.  

*

Unity in marriage and unity in gender means understanding that there are differences.  It is agreeing to disagree.  At the end of the discussion, it is knowing that success doesn’t always come from winning.  Success comes from being at a point where you can work effectively with your spouse in raising your children.  That is a big statement coming from me. I cannot stand to lose!  But in this case, not being first is the only way to push past the trials.  

*http://matthewljacobson.com/2015/10/06/are-you-speaking-the-language-of-unity-in-marriage-every-day/

Loyalty

Loyalty is a key characteristic in any relationship.  I feel like this characteristic can come naturally to some but might be weaker in others.  There are things we are loyal to and in my opinion, this loyalty increases with age and maturity.  So the older we get the better we are at sticking to what we care for? Is it that easy?  I wish I could say yes but then we would all be sitting around waiting for the day to come when we were 75 and able to have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship.  Though maturity affects our loyalty in some ways, the main forces behind our loyalty are our own personal thoughts and actions.

*

I have seen a quote on the internet many times.  I do not know the author but I think the quote is amazing.  It says, “Watch your thoughts for they will become your words. Watch your words for they become your actions.  Watch your actions for they become your habits.  Watch your habits for they become your character.  And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.” Our thoughts on loyalty are what determine our actions on loyalty and so forth.  We must be truly dedicated to our relationships especially in marriage.

**

Kenneth W. Mattison wrote a talk about fidelity and gave a great example of a couple who struggled with this issue.  He gives a perfect example of how these kind of problems start so simply that it is hard to notice at first.  Simple friendships can turn into infidelity simply by spending more time and energy on the friendship than on your marriage.  It takes a constant effort in the marriage to avoid infidelity.  It has to start slowly with your thoughts and you will be able to conquer your temptations and desires and have a happy, long marriage.

Sources:

*https://www.pinterest.com/sbauer415/words-of-wisdom/

**http://quotesgram.com/quotes-about-love-and-loyalty/

Rats, I Hate Rats!

Rats, I Hate Rats

Have you ever heard the sing-song round entitled Rats?  It is a highly entertaining song for children and a highly annoying occurrence for adults.  If you haven’t heard it, it goes something like this;

          

  Crazy?

            I was crazy once!

            They put me in a room, a round room with rats!

            Rats?! I hate rats!

            They make me crazy!!!

(Repeated until you have lost your voice or an adult loses their temper.)

Try it.  It is fun.  AND it pertains to our topic today!

Goddard quotes C.S. Lewis in his seventh chapter of Drawing Heaven Into a Marriage when he discusses charity*.  Lewis says, “If there are rats in the cellar, you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.  But the suddenness does not create the rats, it only prevents them from hiding.”  He goes on to talk about how this is relevant to charity in our own lives.  If we struggle with charity at times when we are surprised or upset, it means that we lack some form of charity.  The short temper and angry answer doesn’t come from a sudden occurrence.  It comes from the lack of charity in ourselves.

Elder Max Caldwell gave us some advice about charity.  He said that charity, or the pure love of Christ, had three dimensions. 

Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ.

For: We must have a special place in our heart for our love of Christ. This love is such a deep feeling that we cannot understanding it all at once.  The same principle goes with all the ways that we have and show our love to Christ.  It is not easily understood.  We need to realize what he has done for us and do more than appreciate his sacrifice.  We have to love him and appreciate his sacrifice so much that we do everything in order to become like him. We love him because he first loved us.

**

From: This love is special.  This love is the perfect love that we must try to understand.  This is what sent Christ to sacrifice for us.  There was never a stronger love or more important task that had to be completed.  If we understand His love for us, we will have a stronger desire to love others.  Therefore love from Christ and love for Christ are building blocks.  They work together for us so that we can become a better person.

Like: We use this after we have built our foundation of love.  This is also a building block because it gives us an increase in the first two forms of love. But in my opinion, it is a secondary building block.  It cannot make a stable foundation.  We cannot love like Christ if we don’t understand how he loves us. 

All this talk about love is making me happy.  I think about all those I love in my life.  My fiancé, my parents, my siblings.  There is nothing that I would do to hurt them.  I always try and lift them up and help them succeed.  Imagine how much more our Savior loves us.  I know that if we all try to increase our Christ like love by even just a fraction, the world will be a better place.  We can get rid of the rats in our minds and hearts only through Jesus Christ and his Atonement.

And I really don’t like rats. :)

Resources:

*Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

**http://www.meetmormonmissionaries.org/2613/future-mormon-missionary-contemplates-love-charity

Choices

CHOICES

This week I have thought a lot about choice.  We have choices in nearly everything we do.  We can choose to wake up at 6:30 and clean the house before heading to the Library to get ahead in our homework, or we can lounge in our leggings and over sized T-shirt, drinking diet Dr. Pepper and hoping the Diet will be forgiving on our waistline…since we haven’t made it to the gym in over three weeks!  I have been taking 14 credits of online classes for the last two months and unfortunately my life is looking a bit more like choice number two right now! 

**

Choices don’t only affect our personal life and our waistline!  Choices affect every part of our waking life.  Our choices range anywhere from a bagel or a pop-tart to a divorce or a long lasting marriage.  That brings me to my point here today.  You may be wondering on the second choice I mentioned.  Is it really a choice whether or not we get a divorce?  Isn’t divorce just what you do when a marriage doesn’t work?  I am here to firmly say that it IS a choice! John M. Gottman teaches that every marriage has both solvable and perpetual problems, both of which are manageable without divorce!! 

THERE IS NOT ONE MARRIAGE WITHOUT PROBLEMS!!!

*

The defining aspect in a marriage is how the couple addresses their problems.  If they choose to yell and scream and force their way, the marriage is not likely to work out.  Elder Lyn G. Robbins says in his talk Agency and Anger that anger is a choice! But there is another choice. Proverbs 15:1 states, “A soft answer turneth away wrath.”  We can CHOOSE to avoid anger.  We can choose a deep breath and a quick count from one to ten.  I know that those 20 second can mean a world of difference!

Elder Richard G. Scott says, “True love elevates, protects, respects, and enriches another.  It motivates you to make sacrifices for the girl/guy you love.”  Maybe our sacrifice is forgetting our own personal desires and looking for the desires our spouse had.  Maybe it is giving in just to see your fiancé smile.  Maybe it is even saying that you like their sunglasses even though you would never choose that color. 

***

Support and absence of anger are key choices in our married lives.  It was our choice to get married, so it is our choice to stay that way.  Don’t get frustrated if you struggle at first.  No one is perfect. But if you view anger as a choice, you will be less likely to choose such a harsh way of expressing yourself.  Whenever my siblings or I would yell, my mom would say. “I cannot hear you when you talk like that.”  Let’s say the same thing to ourselves and remember that we cannot hear ourselves thinking clearly if we are yelling! 

IT IS A CHOICE!

Resources:

*http://www.intentionallypursuing.com/category/marriage-monday/page/6/

**https://www.popexpert.com/content/relationships/marriage-is-a-choice-and-a-lot-of-hard-work/marriage-is-a-choice-and-a-lot-of-hard-work

***https://www.etsy.com/listing/192972244/choose-your-love-love-your-choice

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger?lang=eng

Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print\

Playing Games

                           PLAYING GAMES 

              I heard some very wise advice a while ago.  My grandpa talked to me about compromising.  He said that despite common belief, compromise does not have to be meeting at the point directly in the middle of two opposite ends.  Compromising can change with every situation.  Sometimes it is in the exact middle. But more often than not, the final decision is swayed in favor of one party or the other.   We have to decide what we are comfortable giving up.  If we aren’t comfortable moving at all, then maybe it is worth the argument. But we need to remember to pick our battles.  You cannot win them all so be wise with which you choose.  Also be mindful of your spouse and his/her feelings.  Sometimes it is worth a little discomfort so that no one is upset.  But this peacemaker tactic of compromise is often ruined due to someone's pride.

*

      I would just like to talk a little bit about pride today.  Pride is such a well-know word.  I might be weird for saying this but I see the good and bad in pride.  In my hometown we are very adamant about our school spirit.  We support basketball and football teams 110%.  There are many assemblies and game nights consisting of a gym full of red and gold yelling out the fight song.  That is one form of pride.  That is the good form.

       The bad form of pride is dominating.  It can even start as good pride.  It can start as an appreciation and confidence in something and quickly turn into an obsessed individual.  Before long, a team goes from talented to personally skilled through their hard work alone.  God is forgotten in the equation and the positive feelings of approval have become consuming.  The bad pride is thinking that things work out because YOU made it work out.  It is forgetting how fragile we are in the whole scheme of the word. 

      Marriages often struggle with pride.  When a newly-wed couple says they love each other and are done playing games, they mean games of flirting.  They don’t often realize that games of pride occur just as often if not more. Here are some examples of common pride games in relationships.

•    Ignore spouse, or give spouse the "cold shoulder” •    Impatient with impatience •    Caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong •    Blaming, defensiveness •    Attack, counterattack •    Scorekeeping, with intentions of noting who is winning or losing •    Refusal to apologize first •    Holding the other hostage by refusing to forgive •    Proving superiority by bringing up spouse’s faults •    Holding grudges •    The “silent treatment”

•    Sharing spouse’s weaknesses with others •    Intentionally trying to create jealousies in spouse •    Get others to create an alliance with you against your spouse •    Putting words in spouse’s mouth to manipulate •    Displaying an attitude of entitlement in the marriage •    Stubbornness or unwillingness to change •    Selfishness, thinking only of your needs •    Unwillingness to learn from spouse •    Fault finding •    Withholding love and affection

           President Benson quoted C.S. Lewis in his talk “Beware of Pride” (May 1989).  He said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man…it is the comparison that makes you proud; the pleasure of being above the rest.”  He goes on to say that there is no good pride because pride in general is making us forget the Lord. There are also scriptures coming from a book called the Book of Mormon.  It is another testemant of Jesus Christ and it gives us teachings similar to the Bible.  In 3 Nephi 14:2-3 (one of the section of the Book of Mormon) it states, " For what with judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"  It just goes to show that prophets and learned men from all generations have seen the wickedness in seeing oneself as better than others.

        I would encourage you to research humility and pride.  After you realize that humility is good and it is not just thinking less of yourself, it will motivate you to start cutting pride out of your life.  Start with the examples above.  Im sure that will give us all plenty to work on! 

                                                       Good luck!

*https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/40/26/86/4026867d8b65e842469b52e7d0af94a4.jpg

50 Years and Counting

Gottmann’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” continues to be an inspiration to me so I will focus on it again in this post! 

***

I am at the point of my life where I am really thinking about marriage.  It is more of a reality to me now than it has ever been.  The scariest part for me is that there are so many marriage horror stories.  Everyone says that marriage is hard and I believe them.  But I am not sure I know how hard, and that is what worries me.  Last week I had a unique opportunity.  I was able to talk to my grandparents about the subject of marriage.  They will be married for 50 years this July! They were married in 1966 an have successfully raised 7 children.  Their marriage is also an inspiration to me.  I was able to ask them questions about their marriage and what the successes and struggles have been.  They gave me encouraging advice about how to endure and enjoy the many years of marriage ahead of me.  Their advice followed perfectly with Gottmann’s advice on turning towards your spouse.

My grandma is the nicest lady in the world.  I was a little surprised to hear that they had some serious struggles in their marriage and that some days they were at the very breaking point.  But they never gave up.  I asked them what their secrets were.  My grandma said that every time she was upset with my grandpa, she would go and do something for him.  She would iron his shirts, fix a ripped pair of levis, or cook his favorite meal. My grandpa rarely notices and only sometimes commented, but these simple acts of kindness was my grandma turning towards him. 

*

Gottmann says turning towards a spouse is as easy as washing dishes or going grocery shopping together.  We just need to focus on the little things that others need.  It is basically just living a life of kindness and selflessness.  It isn’t easy but it is possible.  I know it is so important especially in my life.  I, for example, hate doing dishes.  I do it because I love a clean house, and I love cooking.  I mentioned this to my boyfriend and ever since then he has made an effort to help.  He doesn’t do it all but he will do some.  And that makes it bearable. 

**

When people think of romance, they think of candle light dinners and expensive Caribbean getaways.  That is simply not the truth.  True romance is taking the time to think and making the effort to turn towards your partner.  I have found that even the littlest things can help me turn towards my boyfriend and really other people in general.  One example is just putting away my phone.  Talking to your family is so much more important that staying up to date on the latest episode of the Bachelor.  Put down your phone and I promise you will see people who want and maybe even need your attention.

This week is random acts of kindness week so it is a perfect time to start making an effort.  I know you can do it! Good luck!

References:

*http://www.allteenstalk.com/quotes-about-marriage/

**http://quotesgram.com/quotes-and-sayings-happy-marriage/

***https://d23.com/the-wonderful-world-of-grandparents-disney-style/

****Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print

Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration

Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration

We are going back to The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work!  Last week we talked a little bit about building a Love map in a relationship.  This week, we are going to move on to John Gottman’s step number two in solving struggling marriage relationships. 

Gottman’s second step is called Nurturing your Fondness and Admiration.  Now hopefully it would be safe to assume that married people are already fairly fond of each other.  I am not married so it is a little hard to say for sure, but I have heard from many sources that marriage isn’t always cotton candy and butterflies.  Marriage is meant to stand the true test of time. But that is just it. There will be a test! 

I know how we all feel about tests!  Just say the word and test anxiety starts floating through the room. But the best way to prepare and ward off the test anxiety is to find the joy in the journey. 

I had a class last semester that I hated!  I took it only to complete the required classes for my degree.  It was not my idea of a good way to spend 3 hours of my week.  I decided I either needed to buckle down and enjoy it for fail because of my absolute lack of desire.  Over the course of the semester I came to appreciate the subject and even managed to learn a few things! 

Take this into consideration with our marriages and relationships.  We might be at a point where we are in a relationship only because we have to be.  We forgot what we loved about each other.  It isn’t easy, but instead of letting the relationship fail, we need to suck it up and look for the good.  Look for the things that make you happy and then the down side will be easier to deal with.  You will be able to pass the tests of every day marriage relationships let alone the tests that come with time.

So lets take Gottman’s advice and look for the things we appreciate!  Say them out loud to each other.  Write them down!  Review them often.  Remember the good thinks and learn from the bad! There is nothing to lose and I promise your relationships will be strengthened.

Resources:

Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print

The Duct Tape of Marriage

The Duct Tape of Marriage

What if I could tell you there was a foolproof way to prevent divorce in marriage? I for one am all over the idea of having a way to prevent the dimly lit future often foretold in our society.  Marriage is headed straight for divorce.  The numbers portrayed are negative and hopeless. 

***

John M Gottman has developed a theory in a lifetime of research and studies of married couples.  He claims to have a 91% accuracy rate in predicting divorce.  He can listen to a newlywed couple discuss sensitive issues in their relationship for only 15 short minutes and then can predict whether or not they will stay together or if their marriage will see some rough terrain and eventually end in divorce. 

I am nowhere near as eloquent with words as Mr. Gottman so I highly encourage you read his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  He goes into detail on conversation and repair techniques that can save nearly any marriage.  The main part of his book however are the seven ways we can strengthen our marriage relationships.  I want to talk about the first one today which is called Enhancing your Love Maps.

Love Maps sounds cheesy at first.  I agree with you there! But don’t judge a book by its cover.  Gottman claims that the first step to strengthening any relationship is by become better friends with each other.  Friends are those we are able to tell everything to! But more than that, friends are those who listen and care about the things we tell them.  So in order to strengthen our marriages, we must first be determined to listen to those we love and care about the things they have to say.  This is described as making a better love map. 

*

The more we know someone, the more detailed our ‘love map’ becomes. Gottman gives several activities couples may use to improve their love maps.  The main exercises consist of communication.  Communication is key, Right?  So we must develop that relationship of understanding.  We must learn the deep details of our significant other’s life and we must trust them with the details of our own life.  Ask many questions and focus on the answers.  Care about the mundane details because often, details are the most important factor. 

**

I am a person who loves to talk about feelings.  Well let’s be honest, I love to talk about anything and everything.  When I was a younger child, my parents said we would go on a road trip and I would talk the entire time.  They didn’t even have to answer my questions or respond!!  I talked and talked and talked some more.  But I have met my match!  My boyfriend has nearly the exact opposite attitude about talking.  When we first met, talking about feelings was almost painful for him.  It ranked lower than cleaning the bathroom or changing diapers.  We both had to learn very quickly that our methods of communicating were very different.  It is always a struggle to find a middle ground. But we have built our friendship in other ways.  We make an effort to do things that maybe we wouldn’t choose to do in the first place.  I go shopping with him at CAL Ranch if he comes with me to Bohme.  It is a good compromise and we are growing closer and closer.  Sharing feelings is a lot easier when you are friends with each other and truly know the other person.

This first principle is a fairly straightforward way to improve relationships.  Most of us understand this principle.  We just need work living it.  Go try it in your relationships.  It will help with any relationship, even that of friends and other family members.  Practice makes perfect!  Good luck!

And if you are interested in reading exactly how John M Gottman can strengthen your relationships, I will attach a link below.

****

https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=ZZVoBAAAQBAJ&source=

productsearch&utm_source=HA_Desktop_US&utm_medium=SEM&utm_campaign=PLA&pcampaignid=MKTAD0930BO1&gl=US&gclid=CJqF46nq48oCFSYkfgodOdkFfA&gclsrc=ds

Resources:

*Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print

**http://friendshipquotes.xyz/post/122719560295/dontmesswiththeleprechaun-via

***https://www.pinterest.com/Aves15/duct-tape/

****http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=dp_ob_image_bk

Marriage and the Media

Marriage

-give it 200%-

Today let’s take a step back and look for a minute at our media intake.  I thought about media a lot this week and am disappointed in some of my favorite shows and was surprised at the subliminal messages portrayed about marriage.

-Friends:  One of the most popular movies in the late 1990s.  Main character Ross is married and divorced 3 times in a little more than 2 years.

-Keeping up with the Kardashians: A famous family that nearly everyone knows is full of divorces and unstable family relationships.

-Married at First Sight: Literally a TV show dedicated to people whose first conversation is their wedding vows.

-Hannah Montana: Miley Cyrus lived with only her dad

-The Suite life of Zach and Cody: The boys lived with only their mom

The list could literally go on forever and that is not including movies, popular magazines, social media, and even literature.  I understand that many marriages are struggling and  how portraying characters with applicable home situations is a good way to get fans.  But what is happening to our society as we are constantly being surrounded with unstable and broken families being portrayed as ideal?

God’s divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.  Families can be together for eternity.  Imagine the change in our society if completed, stable families were the norm. If there were never such a thing as a ‘starter marriage,’ and once we promised to love each other through sickness and in health, it started to really mean something.  I believe our country would be more peaceful and our families would be stronger. 

*Elder Bruce C. Hafen taught in his talk Covenant Marriage that, ”Marriage by nature is a covenant (a promise between us and God), not a private contract one may cancel at will.” Marriages should not be seen as just another relationship meant to last only a short period of time and then terminated at the first sign of a storm.  Marriages should be given 200%.  Each person needs to give at least 100% in order for things to work out.  When days get rough, marriages get hard.  My good friend told me that her and her husband struggle sometimes and want to pull their hair out and just scream at each other.  What keeps them going is the love between them.  Sometimes you can’t hardly find anything good about each other but as long as you give all you can give, and love is still your goal, no situation is impossible

**President Joseph Fielding Smith promises us, ”Your able service does not go unnoticed by that God whom you serve and in whose work you are engaged. He has blessed you and he will continue to bless you with the good things of the earth, and he will hold in reserve for you the riches of eternity.”  I know that is a true statement.  The media can tell us what it wants, but true blessings come from living what we believe and serving God. is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will

Our faith and dedication to our marriages can be the start.  If we influence those around us and they see the good and make changes in their lives, they will begin to influence others.  Eventually the world will benefit through our actions.  Let’s start sending a better message to families everywhere by spreading stores of successful marriages!

 We will be the start of a stronger generation.

***

Resources:

*Covenant Marriage. Elder Bruce C Hafen. November Ensign 1966. https://app.box.com/embed/preview/09y4qxqfppbe8oz5uuje39utsdv566rt?theme=dark

**The Fulness of the Priesthood. President Joseph Fielding Smith. Conference Report April 1970. https://app.box.com/embed/preview/pfay7hm0e3hsxdtrz4r82lh3r63rt88c?theme=dark

***http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davewillis/5-things-your-marriage-needs-every-day/

Marriage is More Than Paper

Marriage is more than just a piece of paper.  

           When two people are married, it can be argued that marriage is no more than a document. No more than signatures holding them together.  If marriage is only thought of as paper, so much is destined to go wrong. There has to be more than a paper and ink holding families together.  When the hard times come around, you need to be stuck pretty tight.  Paper tears and burns and is weak when it gets wet.  Signing a paper and saying you are married is like buying a leash and saying you have a dog.  You don’t have anything inside of it! 

           A good marriage and family goes well beneath the paper.  It takes two people that are willing to do anything in order to keep their family whole.  And actually, it takes more than two people.  God has to be a part of each marriage.  I would like to venture to say that it is beyond the capacity of a man and a woman to stay married in our day. There are so many forces fighting against marriage.  We need divine help to weather the storms of marriage. 

             The three becomes four and then five and maybe even more.  Babies come and are added into the equation. Everyone has to pull their own weight and be the glue that holds the family together through happy times and through times that are not nearly so happy.  I am just thankful that I have a loving family that is willing to forgive and work with each other through good times and bad times.

*

One of the negative forces I would like to talk a little bit about today is same-sex marriage. Now we all know this subject is a little touchy.  No one wants to offend but at the same time, no one really understands the other side of the argument. I'm here today to pose an often unheard side. I want to make a slight argument to why marriage between a man and a woman is so important and why some feel so adamant about it.

      - In the bible, God commands Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the Earth. The same commandment has been given to all of us. And that just can't naturally happen in same-sex marriages. Men and women are made to be together. And even though it is hard sometime, God makes up for what we lack as we follow his commandments

       -On a less religious note, according to North Dakota Law Review**, studies show that same-sex marriages have a higher divorce and infidelity rate than a normal marriage. When divorce happens, the surrounding community feels the impact. They pay for the divorce in taxes, medical bills, future delinquency in children. Marriage is not a personal matter. Marriage is a public matter. 

     -Also stated in the North Dakota Law Review**, more Sexually Transmitted Diseases are transmitted through same-sex relations. 

     -A home consisting of a man and a woman has been proven to be the most healthy for children to be raised in.

    There are many reasons to believe in traditional marriages and I don't want to list all of them. I hope that this short list has given you a desire to continue your research on this sensitive subject. Educate yourselves on both sides of every issue before you pick a side.  There is no evil in understanding each other. And we must agree to disagree and love each other in the process. My hope is just that we will educate ourselves. And uneducated debate will never get anywhere. 

Let's bridge the gap between two ideas. Love is key and marriage is more than a piece of paper. 

credits:

*http://www.hippoquotes.com/marriage-quotes-family

**http://poseidon01.ssrn.com/delivery.php?ID=893002127097024116067114064126006086117078019060066055110020094103024093069022103068013121004003017116060026097002069068104118116082071048061023016110089085123111003050062091115094003080028120003102124100067088121028102071112101114096096101105081026&EXT=pdf

EVER EVER AFTER

EVER EVER AFTER

We live in a time where divorce and marriage are words which are always used together.  It is the peanut butter and jelly of the modern day.  Marriage is something that should be one of the happiest events in a person’s life.  The day that two people decide to spend eternity together is an amazing day.  But even when a couple seems perfect, divorce stains the beauty of the day. 

My cousin and I attended a beautiful wedding of one of our mutual friends.  They were a young couple who had gotten pregnant and were therefore getting married so that the baby could grow up in a solid family situation.  After the ceremony, my cousin leaned over and whispered, “I give them 6 months, max.”  I went along with the conversation and agreed that the couple didn’t seem likely to make it to their next anniversary.  Now thinking back, I realize how sad the conversation was.  Even at the wedding, the ugly topic of divorce weaseled its way into the conversation.

Our society has slipped so swiftly down an awful path that we almost don’t realize what it is doing to our perception on relationships.  As I was reading The State of our Unions: Marriage in America 2012* I saw something that made me do a double take.  On page 88, it talked about how our chances of divorce are smaller than we think.  This information was new to me and made me stop and re read the graph.  It went on to talk about how if one was an educated, religiously affiliated, established person, the chances of getting a divorce were lowered nearly 50%!  And for most people, the chances of getting a divorce are actually well below the 50/50 mark.  Why is the negative side of the issue so much easier to see than the positive side?   Why do we lack the hope and faith in marriage?  Why do we forget how vital marriage is to society and to the development of children?

 I believe if we focus on the success rate rather than the failure rate of marriages, we will be able to salvage our rough marriages and our hope will also build others up to succeed in their marriage struggles as well. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. **We just have to wake up every morning and make the choice to be happy.  We can choose to hate our situation or we can choose to make the best of it.  Remember why you chose to marry your significant other and seek Gods help to make the best out of the situation you have.  And if everything goes well.  You can always have the happily ever after you have dreamed of.

***

*http://www.stateofourunions.org/2012/social_indicators.php#divorce

** https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

*** http://www.meetthebestyou.com/25-amazing-quotes-about-love-well-never-get-tired-of/