The Duct Tape of Marriage

The Duct Tape of Marriage

What if I could tell you there was a foolproof way to prevent divorce in marriage? I for one am all over the idea of having a way to prevent the dimly lit future often foretold in our society.  Marriage is headed straight for divorce.  The numbers portrayed are negative and hopeless. 

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John M Gottman has developed a theory in a lifetime of research and studies of married couples.  He claims to have a 91% accuracy rate in predicting divorce.  He can listen to a newlywed couple discuss sensitive issues in their relationship for only 15 short minutes and then can predict whether or not they will stay together or if their marriage will see some rough terrain and eventually end in divorce. 

I am nowhere near as eloquent with words as Mr. Gottman so I highly encourage you read his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  He goes into detail on conversation and repair techniques that can save nearly any marriage.  The main part of his book however are the seven ways we can strengthen our marriage relationships.  I want to talk about the first one today which is called Enhancing your Love Maps.

Love Maps sounds cheesy at first.  I agree with you there! But don’t judge a book by its cover.  Gottman claims that the first step to strengthening any relationship is by become better friends with each other.  Friends are those we are able to tell everything to! But more than that, friends are those who listen and care about the things we tell them.  So in order to strengthen our marriages, we must first be determined to listen to those we love and care about the things they have to say.  This is described as making a better love map. 

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The more we know someone, the more detailed our ‘love map’ becomes. Gottman gives several activities couples may use to improve their love maps.  The main exercises consist of communication.  Communication is key, Right?  So we must develop that relationship of understanding.  We must learn the deep details of our significant other’s life and we must trust them with the details of our own life.  Ask many questions and focus on the answers.  Care about the mundane details because often, details are the most important factor. 

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I am a person who loves to talk about feelings.  Well let’s be honest, I love to talk about anything and everything.  When I was a younger child, my parents said we would go on a road trip and I would talk the entire time.  They didn’t even have to answer my questions or respond!!  I talked and talked and talked some more.  But I have met my match!  My boyfriend has nearly the exact opposite attitude about talking.  When we first met, talking about feelings was almost painful for him.  It ranked lower than cleaning the bathroom or changing diapers.  We both had to learn very quickly that our methods of communicating were very different.  It is always a struggle to find a middle ground. But we have built our friendship in other ways.  We make an effort to do things that maybe we wouldn’t choose to do in the first place.  I go shopping with him at CAL Ranch if he comes with me to Bohme.  It is a good compromise and we are growing closer and closer.  Sharing feelings is a lot easier when you are friends with each other and truly know the other person.

This first principle is a fairly straightforward way to improve relationships.  Most of us understand this principle.  We just need work living it.  Go try it in your relationships.  It will help with any relationship, even that of friends and other family members.  Practice makes perfect!  Good luck!

And if you are interested in reading exactly how John M Gottman can strengthen your relationships, I will attach a link below.

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https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=ZZVoBAAAQBAJ&source=

productsearch&utm_source=HA_Desktop_US&utm_medium=SEM&utm_campaign=PLA&pcampaignid=MKTAD0930BO1&gl=US&gclid=CJqF46nq48oCFSYkfgodOdkFfA&gclsrc=ds

Resources:

*Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print

**http://friendshipquotes.xyz/post/122719560295/dontmesswiththeleprechaun-via

***https://www.pinterest.com/Aves15/duct-tape/

****http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=dp_ob_image_bk