Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration

Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration

We are going back to The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work!  Last week we talked a little bit about building a Love map in a relationship.  This week, we are going to move on to John Gottman’s step number two in solving struggling marriage relationships. 

Gottman’s second step is called Nurturing your Fondness and Admiration.  Now hopefully it would be safe to assume that married people are already fairly fond of each other.  I am not married so it is a little hard to say for sure, but I have heard from many sources that marriage isn’t always cotton candy and butterflies.  Marriage is meant to stand the true test of time. But that is just it. There will be a test! 

I know how we all feel about tests!  Just say the word and test anxiety starts floating through the room. But the best way to prepare and ward off the test anxiety is to find the joy in the journey. 

I had a class last semester that I hated!  I took it only to complete the required classes for my degree.  It was not my idea of a good way to spend 3 hours of my week.  I decided I either needed to buckle down and enjoy it for fail because of my absolute lack of desire.  Over the course of the semester I came to appreciate the subject and even managed to learn a few things! 

Take this into consideration with our marriages and relationships.  We might be at a point where we are in a relationship only because we have to be.  We forgot what we loved about each other.  It isn’t easy, but instead of letting the relationship fail, we need to suck it up and look for the good.  Look for the things that make you happy and then the down side will be easier to deal with.  You will be able to pass the tests of every day marriage relationships let alone the tests that come with time.

So lets take Gottman’s advice and look for the things we appreciate!  Say them out loud to each other.  Write them down!  Review them often.  Remember the good thinks and learn from the bad! There is nothing to lose and I promise your relationships will be strengthened.

Resources:

Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print

The Duct Tape of Marriage

The Duct Tape of Marriage

What if I could tell you there was a foolproof way to prevent divorce in marriage? I for one am all over the idea of having a way to prevent the dimly lit future often foretold in our society.  Marriage is headed straight for divorce.  The numbers portrayed are negative and hopeless. 

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John M Gottman has developed a theory in a lifetime of research and studies of married couples.  He claims to have a 91% accuracy rate in predicting divorce.  He can listen to a newlywed couple discuss sensitive issues in their relationship for only 15 short minutes and then can predict whether or not they will stay together or if their marriage will see some rough terrain and eventually end in divorce. 

I am nowhere near as eloquent with words as Mr. Gottman so I highly encourage you read his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  He goes into detail on conversation and repair techniques that can save nearly any marriage.  The main part of his book however are the seven ways we can strengthen our marriage relationships.  I want to talk about the first one today which is called Enhancing your Love Maps.

Love Maps sounds cheesy at first.  I agree with you there! But don’t judge a book by its cover.  Gottman claims that the first step to strengthening any relationship is by become better friends with each other.  Friends are those we are able to tell everything to! But more than that, friends are those who listen and care about the things we tell them.  So in order to strengthen our marriages, we must first be determined to listen to those we love and care about the things they have to say.  This is described as making a better love map. 

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The more we know someone, the more detailed our ‘love map’ becomes. Gottman gives several activities couples may use to improve their love maps.  The main exercises consist of communication.  Communication is key, Right?  So we must develop that relationship of understanding.  We must learn the deep details of our significant other’s life and we must trust them with the details of our own life.  Ask many questions and focus on the answers.  Care about the mundane details because often, details are the most important factor. 

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I am a person who loves to talk about feelings.  Well let’s be honest, I love to talk about anything and everything.  When I was a younger child, my parents said we would go on a road trip and I would talk the entire time.  They didn’t even have to answer my questions or respond!!  I talked and talked and talked some more.  But I have met my match!  My boyfriend has nearly the exact opposite attitude about talking.  When we first met, talking about feelings was almost painful for him.  It ranked lower than cleaning the bathroom or changing diapers.  We both had to learn very quickly that our methods of communicating were very different.  It is always a struggle to find a middle ground. But we have built our friendship in other ways.  We make an effort to do things that maybe we wouldn’t choose to do in the first place.  I go shopping with him at CAL Ranch if he comes with me to Bohme.  It is a good compromise and we are growing closer and closer.  Sharing feelings is a lot easier when you are friends with each other and truly know the other person.

This first principle is a fairly straightforward way to improve relationships.  Most of us understand this principle.  We just need work living it.  Go try it in your relationships.  It will help with any relationship, even that of friends and other family members.  Practice makes perfect!  Good luck!

And if you are interested in reading exactly how John M Gottman can strengthen your relationships, I will attach a link below.

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https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=ZZVoBAAAQBAJ&source=

productsearch&utm_source=HA_Desktop_US&utm_medium=SEM&utm_campaign=PLA&pcampaignid=MKTAD0930BO1&gl=US&gclid=CJqF46nq48oCFSYkfgodOdkFfA&gclsrc=ds

Resources:

*Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print

**http://friendshipquotes.xyz/post/122719560295/dontmesswiththeleprechaun-via

***https://www.pinterest.com/Aves15/duct-tape/

****http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=dp_ob_image_bk

Marriage and the Media

Marriage

-give it 200%-

Today let’s take a step back and look for a minute at our media intake.  I thought about media a lot this week and am disappointed in some of my favorite shows and was surprised at the subliminal messages portrayed about marriage.

-Friends:  One of the most popular movies in the late 1990s.  Main character Ross is married and divorced 3 times in a little more than 2 years.

-Keeping up with the Kardashians: A famous family that nearly everyone knows is full of divorces and unstable family relationships.

-Married at First Sight: Literally a TV show dedicated to people whose first conversation is their wedding vows.

-Hannah Montana: Miley Cyrus lived with only her dad

-The Suite life of Zach and Cody: The boys lived with only their mom

The list could literally go on forever and that is not including movies, popular magazines, social media, and even literature.  I understand that many marriages are struggling and  how portraying characters with applicable home situations is a good way to get fans.  But what is happening to our society as we are constantly being surrounded with unstable and broken families being portrayed as ideal?

God’s divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.  Families can be together for eternity.  Imagine the change in our society if completed, stable families were the norm. If there were never such a thing as a ‘starter marriage,’ and once we promised to love each other through sickness and in health, it started to really mean something.  I believe our country would be more peaceful and our families would be stronger. 

*Elder Bruce C. Hafen taught in his talk Covenant Marriage that, ”Marriage by nature is a covenant (a promise between us and God), not a private contract one may cancel at will.” Marriages should not be seen as just another relationship meant to last only a short period of time and then terminated at the first sign of a storm.  Marriages should be given 200%.  Each person needs to give at least 100% in order for things to work out.  When days get rough, marriages get hard.  My good friend told me that her and her husband struggle sometimes and want to pull their hair out and just scream at each other.  What keeps them going is the love between them.  Sometimes you can’t hardly find anything good about each other but as long as you give all you can give, and love is still your goal, no situation is impossible

**President Joseph Fielding Smith promises us, ”Your able service does not go unnoticed by that God whom you serve and in whose work you are engaged. He has blessed you and he will continue to bless you with the good things of the earth, and he will hold in reserve for you the riches of eternity.”  I know that is a true statement.  The media can tell us what it wants, but true blessings come from living what we believe and serving God. is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will

Our faith and dedication to our marriages can be the start.  If we influence those around us and they see the good and make changes in their lives, they will begin to influence others.  Eventually the world will benefit through our actions.  Let’s start sending a better message to families everywhere by spreading stores of successful marriages!

 We will be the start of a stronger generation.

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Resources:

*Covenant Marriage. Elder Bruce C Hafen. November Ensign 1966. https://app.box.com/embed/preview/09y4qxqfppbe8oz5uuje39utsdv566rt?theme=dark

**The Fulness of the Priesthood. President Joseph Fielding Smith. Conference Report April 1970. https://app.box.com/embed/preview/pfay7hm0e3hsxdtrz4r82lh3r63rt88c?theme=dark

***http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davewillis/5-things-your-marriage-needs-every-day/

Marriage is More Than Paper

Marriage is more than just a piece of paper.  

           When two people are married, it can be argued that marriage is no more than a document. No more than signatures holding them together.  If marriage is only thought of as paper, so much is destined to go wrong. There has to be more than a paper and ink holding families together.  When the hard times come around, you need to be stuck pretty tight.  Paper tears and burns and is weak when it gets wet.  Signing a paper and saying you are married is like buying a leash and saying you have a dog.  You don’t have anything inside of it! 

           A good marriage and family goes well beneath the paper.  It takes two people that are willing to do anything in order to keep their family whole.  And actually, it takes more than two people.  God has to be a part of each marriage.  I would like to venture to say that it is beyond the capacity of a man and a woman to stay married in our day. There are so many forces fighting against marriage.  We need divine help to weather the storms of marriage. 

             The three becomes four and then five and maybe even more.  Babies come and are added into the equation. Everyone has to pull their own weight and be the glue that holds the family together through happy times and through times that are not nearly so happy.  I am just thankful that I have a loving family that is willing to forgive and work with each other through good times and bad times.

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One of the negative forces I would like to talk a little bit about today is same-sex marriage. Now we all know this subject is a little touchy.  No one wants to offend but at the same time, no one really understands the other side of the argument. I'm here today to pose an often unheard side. I want to make a slight argument to why marriage between a man and a woman is so important and why some feel so adamant about it.

      - In the bible, God commands Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the Earth. The same commandment has been given to all of us. And that just can't naturally happen in same-sex marriages. Men and women are made to be together. And even though it is hard sometime, God makes up for what we lack as we follow his commandments

       -On a less religious note, according to North Dakota Law Review**, studies show that same-sex marriages have a higher divorce and infidelity rate than a normal marriage. When divorce happens, the surrounding community feels the impact. They pay for the divorce in taxes, medical bills, future delinquency in children. Marriage is not a personal matter. Marriage is a public matter. 

     -Also stated in the North Dakota Law Review**, more Sexually Transmitted Diseases are transmitted through same-sex relations. 

     -A home consisting of a man and a woman has been proven to be the most healthy for children to be raised in.

    There are many reasons to believe in traditional marriages and I don't want to list all of them. I hope that this short list has given you a desire to continue your research on this sensitive subject. Educate yourselves on both sides of every issue before you pick a side.  There is no evil in understanding each other. And we must agree to disagree and love each other in the process. My hope is just that we will educate ourselves. And uneducated debate will never get anywhere. 

Let's bridge the gap between two ideas. Love is key and marriage is more than a piece of paper. 

credits:

*http://www.hippoquotes.com/marriage-quotes-family

**http://poseidon01.ssrn.com/delivery.php?ID=893002127097024116067114064126006086117078019060066055110020094103024093069022103068013121004003017116060026097002069068104118116082071048061023016110089085123111003050062091115094003080028120003102124100067088121028102071112101114096096101105081026&EXT=pdf

EVER EVER AFTER

EVER EVER AFTER

We live in a time where divorce and marriage are words which are always used together.  It is the peanut butter and jelly of the modern day.  Marriage is something that should be one of the happiest events in a person’s life.  The day that two people decide to spend eternity together is an amazing day.  But even when a couple seems perfect, divorce stains the beauty of the day. 

My cousin and I attended a beautiful wedding of one of our mutual friends.  They were a young couple who had gotten pregnant and were therefore getting married so that the baby could grow up in a solid family situation.  After the ceremony, my cousin leaned over and whispered, “I give them 6 months, max.”  I went along with the conversation and agreed that the couple didn’t seem likely to make it to their next anniversary.  Now thinking back, I realize how sad the conversation was.  Even at the wedding, the ugly topic of divorce weaseled its way into the conversation.

Our society has slipped so swiftly down an awful path that we almost don’t realize what it is doing to our perception on relationships.  As I was reading The State of our Unions: Marriage in America 2012* I saw something that made me do a double take.  On page 88, it talked about how our chances of divorce are smaller than we think.  This information was new to me and made me stop and re read the graph.  It went on to talk about how if one was an educated, religiously affiliated, established person, the chances of getting a divorce were lowered nearly 50%!  And for most people, the chances of getting a divorce are actually well below the 50/50 mark.  Why is the negative side of the issue so much easier to see than the positive side?   Why do we lack the hope and faith in marriage?  Why do we forget how vital marriage is to society and to the development of children?

 I believe if we focus on the success rate rather than the failure rate of marriages, we will be able to salvage our rough marriages and our hope will also build others up to succeed in their marriage struggles as well. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. **We just have to wake up every morning and make the choice to be happy.  We can choose to hate our situation or we can choose to make the best of it.  Remember why you chose to marry your significant other and seek Gods help to make the best out of the situation you have.  And if everything goes well.  You can always have the happily ever after you have dreamed of.

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*http://www.stateofourunions.org/2012/social_indicators.php#divorce

** https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

*** http://www.meetthebestyou.com/25-amazing-quotes-about-love-well-never-get-tired-of/