In-Laws

As a soon to be married individual, I have a lot to learn.  I am pretty clueless when it comes to marriage.  I have tried to read about the challenges that come from marriage and the things I will need to prepare for but I worry that nothing can prepare you for the real thing.  I read a chapter by James Harper about In-laws and how to create good, healthy relationships with them. It was called, Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Family.  His suggestions in that chapter were plentiful but they were all very good.

 The main part that stuck out to me was that a newly married couple needs to break off from their parents and make their own family unit.  This seems like such an abrupt break!  I am a family girl.  I talk to at least one member of my family every day.  They mean a lot to me and I greatly respect their opinions and advice.  This has been one issue that I have struggled with since being engaged and will probably struggle with a lot more once I am married.  I don't want to get too personal here so I will just say that my family's opinion has a great deal of effect on the choices I make.  This does not sit well with my fiance.  We worry about making the transition into our own family.  I think Harper gives a lot of good advice that I can use in my own transition. 

My favorite piece of advice was discussing with your parents the change that is about to happen.  I think this change is pretty abrupt.  One day we are dating someone they barely know and the next day we are promising to live with this person forever.  There will be some growing pains on both sides.  It is hard to let go to a lifestyle you have held for the last 20 + years.  The good news is you dont have to let go completely!  Harper says that we should love our parents just as much if not more now that we are married!  We just need to understand that the love we have for them is in a different context.  We need to make our own decisions, and then celebrate our choices with them.  They are still a huge part of our lives but it will work just a little bit differently.  This will make the adjustment seem a little less abrupt and a little more do able.  

There are so many tips that Harper gives in his article but I cannot do them justice.  I just hope you will go read it for yourself.  It is a little long but is so worth the read.  Making friends with your in-laws could be a major prevention of divorce!  Harper says that 80 percent of divorced couples admit that their parents didn't approve of the marriage in the first place!  So give it a shot!  It could save your marriage, and a lot of gray hairs!  

 

Battle of the Sexes

My fiance and I always have long talks about the difference between men and women.  He is very conservative and he tells me I can get pretty feminist at times.  We enjoy defending our sex and discussing the benefits and challenges of both men and women.  At times our talks even get a little heated. But in the end, we agree that our life would be missing a piece if we didn’t have the other gender.  He hates cooking and I don’t know the first thing about a car so we are happy to have each other and know that differences are what make men and women perfect for each other.

I think in today’s world, we get a little too concerned about who is winning and how much respect we get.  We forget that there are positive attributes in both genders.  Especially when it comes to raising children.  I was talking to my soon to be in-laws about the challenge of raising children.  They went on forever about how glad they were to have their spouse while they were taking care of their babies.  Sometimes all little boys need is a dad’s love to calm them down.  Other children won’t stop screaming until they get into their mother’s arms.  Moms and Dads teach specific skills to their children but these skills are best learned when they teach in unity.  

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Unity in marriage and unity in gender means understanding that there are differences.  It is agreeing to disagree.  At the end of the discussion, it is knowing that success doesn’t always come from winning.  Success comes from being at a point where you can work effectively with your spouse in raising your children.  That is a big statement coming from me. I cannot stand to lose!  But in this case, not being first is the only way to push past the trials.  

*http://matthewljacobson.com/2015/10/06/are-you-speaking-the-language-of-unity-in-marriage-every-day/

Loyalty

Loyalty is a key characteristic in any relationship.  I feel like this characteristic can come naturally to some but might be weaker in others.  There are things we are loyal to and in my opinion, this loyalty increases with age and maturity.  So the older we get the better we are at sticking to what we care for? Is it that easy?  I wish I could say yes but then we would all be sitting around waiting for the day to come when we were 75 and able to have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship.  Though maturity affects our loyalty in some ways, the main forces behind our loyalty are our own personal thoughts and actions.

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I have seen a quote on the internet many times.  I do not know the author but I think the quote is amazing.  It says, “Watch your thoughts for they will become your words. Watch your words for they become your actions.  Watch your actions for they become your habits.  Watch your habits for they become your character.  And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.” Our thoughts on loyalty are what determine our actions on loyalty and so forth.  We must be truly dedicated to our relationships especially in marriage.

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Kenneth W. Mattison wrote a talk about fidelity and gave a great example of a couple who struggled with this issue.  He gives a perfect example of how these kind of problems start so simply that it is hard to notice at first.  Simple friendships can turn into infidelity simply by spending more time and energy on the friendship than on your marriage.  It takes a constant effort in the marriage to avoid infidelity.  It has to start slowly with your thoughts and you will be able to conquer your temptations and desires and have a happy, long marriage.

Sources:

*https://www.pinterest.com/sbauer415/words-of-wisdom/

**http://quotesgram.com/quotes-about-love-and-loyalty/

Rats, I Hate Rats!

Rats, I Hate Rats

Have you ever heard the sing-song round entitled Rats?  It is a highly entertaining song for children and a highly annoying occurrence for adults.  If you haven’t heard it, it goes something like this;

          

  Crazy?

            I was crazy once!

            They put me in a room, a round room with rats!

            Rats?! I hate rats!

            They make me crazy!!!

(Repeated until you have lost your voice or an adult loses their temper.)

Try it.  It is fun.  AND it pertains to our topic today!

Goddard quotes C.S. Lewis in his seventh chapter of Drawing Heaven Into a Marriage when he discusses charity*.  Lewis says, “If there are rats in the cellar, you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.  But the suddenness does not create the rats, it only prevents them from hiding.”  He goes on to talk about how this is relevant to charity in our own lives.  If we struggle with charity at times when we are surprised or upset, it means that we lack some form of charity.  The short temper and angry answer doesn’t come from a sudden occurrence.  It comes from the lack of charity in ourselves.

Elder Max Caldwell gave us some advice about charity.  He said that charity, or the pure love of Christ, had three dimensions. 

Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ.

For: We must have a special place in our heart for our love of Christ. This love is such a deep feeling that we cannot understanding it all at once.  The same principle goes with all the ways that we have and show our love to Christ.  It is not easily understood.  We need to realize what he has done for us and do more than appreciate his sacrifice.  We have to love him and appreciate his sacrifice so much that we do everything in order to become like him. We love him because he first loved us.

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From: This love is special.  This love is the perfect love that we must try to understand.  This is what sent Christ to sacrifice for us.  There was never a stronger love or more important task that had to be completed.  If we understand His love for us, we will have a stronger desire to love others.  Therefore love from Christ and love for Christ are building blocks.  They work together for us so that we can become a better person.

Like: We use this after we have built our foundation of love.  This is also a building block because it gives us an increase in the first two forms of love. But in my opinion, it is a secondary building block.  It cannot make a stable foundation.  We cannot love like Christ if we don’t understand how he loves us. 

All this talk about love is making me happy.  I think about all those I love in my life.  My fiancé, my parents, my siblings.  There is nothing that I would do to hurt them.  I always try and lift them up and help them succeed.  Imagine how much more our Savior loves us.  I know that if we all try to increase our Christ like love by even just a fraction, the world will be a better place.  We can get rid of the rats in our minds and hearts only through Jesus Christ and his Atonement.

And I really don’t like rats. :)

Resources:

*Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

**http://www.meetmormonmissionaries.org/2613/future-mormon-missionary-contemplates-love-charity

Choices

CHOICES

This week I have thought a lot about choice.  We have choices in nearly everything we do.  We can choose to wake up at 6:30 and clean the house before heading to the Library to get ahead in our homework, or we can lounge in our leggings and over sized T-shirt, drinking diet Dr. Pepper and hoping the Diet will be forgiving on our waistline…since we haven’t made it to the gym in over three weeks!  I have been taking 14 credits of online classes for the last two months and unfortunately my life is looking a bit more like choice number two right now! 

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Choices don’t only affect our personal life and our waistline!  Choices affect every part of our waking life.  Our choices range anywhere from a bagel or a pop-tart to a divorce or a long lasting marriage.  That brings me to my point here today.  You may be wondering on the second choice I mentioned.  Is it really a choice whether or not we get a divorce?  Isn’t divorce just what you do when a marriage doesn’t work?  I am here to firmly say that it IS a choice! John M. Gottman teaches that every marriage has both solvable and perpetual problems, both of which are manageable without divorce!! 

THERE IS NOT ONE MARRIAGE WITHOUT PROBLEMS!!!

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The defining aspect in a marriage is how the couple addresses their problems.  If they choose to yell and scream and force their way, the marriage is not likely to work out.  Elder Lyn G. Robbins says in his talk Agency and Anger that anger is a choice! But there is another choice. Proverbs 15:1 states, “A soft answer turneth away wrath.”  We can CHOOSE to avoid anger.  We can choose a deep breath and a quick count from one to ten.  I know that those 20 second can mean a world of difference!

Elder Richard G. Scott says, “True love elevates, protects, respects, and enriches another.  It motivates you to make sacrifices for the girl/guy you love.”  Maybe our sacrifice is forgetting our own personal desires and looking for the desires our spouse had.  Maybe it is giving in just to see your fiancé smile.  Maybe it is even saying that you like their sunglasses even though you would never choose that color. 

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Support and absence of anger are key choices in our married lives.  It was our choice to get married, so it is our choice to stay that way.  Don’t get frustrated if you struggle at first.  No one is perfect. But if you view anger as a choice, you will be less likely to choose such a harsh way of expressing yourself.  Whenever my siblings or I would yell, my mom would say. “I cannot hear you when you talk like that.”  Let’s say the same thing to ourselves and remember that we cannot hear ourselves thinking clearly if we are yelling! 

IT IS A CHOICE!

Resources:

*http://www.intentionallypursuing.com/category/marriage-monday/page/6/

**https://www.popexpert.com/content/relationships/marriage-is-a-choice-and-a-lot-of-hard-work/marriage-is-a-choice-and-a-lot-of-hard-work

***https://www.etsy.com/listing/192972244/choose-your-love-love-your-choice

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger?lang=eng

Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print\

Playing Games

                           PLAYING GAMES 

              I heard some very wise advice a while ago.  My grandpa talked to me about compromising.  He said that despite common belief, compromise does not have to be meeting at the point directly in the middle of two opposite ends.  Compromising can change with every situation.  Sometimes it is in the exact middle. But more often than not, the final decision is swayed in favor of one party or the other.   We have to decide what we are comfortable giving up.  If we aren’t comfortable moving at all, then maybe it is worth the argument. But we need to remember to pick our battles.  You cannot win them all so be wise with which you choose.  Also be mindful of your spouse and his/her feelings.  Sometimes it is worth a little discomfort so that no one is upset.  But this peacemaker tactic of compromise is often ruined due to someone's pride.

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      I would just like to talk a little bit about pride today.  Pride is such a well-know word.  I might be weird for saying this but I see the good and bad in pride.  In my hometown we are very adamant about our school spirit.  We support basketball and football teams 110%.  There are many assemblies and game nights consisting of a gym full of red and gold yelling out the fight song.  That is one form of pride.  That is the good form.

       The bad form of pride is dominating.  It can even start as good pride.  It can start as an appreciation and confidence in something and quickly turn into an obsessed individual.  Before long, a team goes from talented to personally skilled through their hard work alone.  God is forgotten in the equation and the positive feelings of approval have become consuming.  The bad pride is thinking that things work out because YOU made it work out.  It is forgetting how fragile we are in the whole scheme of the word. 

      Marriages often struggle with pride.  When a newly-wed couple says they love each other and are done playing games, they mean games of flirting.  They don’t often realize that games of pride occur just as often if not more. Here are some examples of common pride games in relationships.

•    Ignore spouse, or give spouse the "cold shoulder” •    Impatient with impatience •    Caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong •    Blaming, defensiveness •    Attack, counterattack •    Scorekeeping, with intentions of noting who is winning or losing •    Refusal to apologize first •    Holding the other hostage by refusing to forgive •    Proving superiority by bringing up spouse’s faults •    Holding grudges •    The “silent treatment”

•    Sharing spouse’s weaknesses with others •    Intentionally trying to create jealousies in spouse •    Get others to create an alliance with you against your spouse •    Putting words in spouse’s mouth to manipulate •    Displaying an attitude of entitlement in the marriage •    Stubbornness or unwillingness to change •    Selfishness, thinking only of your needs •    Unwillingness to learn from spouse •    Fault finding •    Withholding love and affection

           President Benson quoted C.S. Lewis in his talk “Beware of Pride” (May 1989).  He said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man…it is the comparison that makes you proud; the pleasure of being above the rest.”  He goes on to say that there is no good pride because pride in general is making us forget the Lord. There are also scriptures coming from a book called the Book of Mormon.  It is another testemant of Jesus Christ and it gives us teachings similar to the Bible.  In 3 Nephi 14:2-3 (one of the section of the Book of Mormon) it states, " For what with judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"  It just goes to show that prophets and learned men from all generations have seen the wickedness in seeing oneself as better than others.

        I would encourage you to research humility and pride.  After you realize that humility is good and it is not just thinking less of yourself, it will motivate you to start cutting pride out of your life.  Start with the examples above.  Im sure that will give us all plenty to work on! 

                                                       Good luck!

*https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/40/26/86/4026867d8b65e842469b52e7d0af94a4.jpg

50 Years and Counting

Gottmann’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” continues to be an inspiration to me so I will focus on it again in this post! 

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I am at the point of my life where I am really thinking about marriage.  It is more of a reality to me now than it has ever been.  The scariest part for me is that there are so many marriage horror stories.  Everyone says that marriage is hard and I believe them.  But I am not sure I know how hard, and that is what worries me.  Last week I had a unique opportunity.  I was able to talk to my grandparents about the subject of marriage.  They will be married for 50 years this July! They were married in 1966 an have successfully raised 7 children.  Their marriage is also an inspiration to me.  I was able to ask them questions about their marriage and what the successes and struggles have been.  They gave me encouraging advice about how to endure and enjoy the many years of marriage ahead of me.  Their advice followed perfectly with Gottmann’s advice on turning towards your spouse.

My grandma is the nicest lady in the world.  I was a little surprised to hear that they had some serious struggles in their marriage and that some days they were at the very breaking point.  But they never gave up.  I asked them what their secrets were.  My grandma said that every time she was upset with my grandpa, she would go and do something for him.  She would iron his shirts, fix a ripped pair of levis, or cook his favorite meal. My grandpa rarely notices and only sometimes commented, but these simple acts of kindness was my grandma turning towards him. 

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Gottmann says turning towards a spouse is as easy as washing dishes or going grocery shopping together.  We just need to focus on the little things that others need.  It is basically just living a life of kindness and selflessness.  It isn’t easy but it is possible.  I know it is so important especially in my life.  I, for example, hate doing dishes.  I do it because I love a clean house, and I love cooking.  I mentioned this to my boyfriend and ever since then he has made an effort to help.  He doesn’t do it all but he will do some.  And that makes it bearable. 

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When people think of romance, they think of candle light dinners and expensive Caribbean getaways.  That is simply not the truth.  True romance is taking the time to think and making the effort to turn towards your partner.  I have found that even the littlest things can help me turn towards my boyfriend and really other people in general.  One example is just putting away my phone.  Talking to your family is so much more important that staying up to date on the latest episode of the Bachelor.  Put down your phone and I promise you will see people who want and maybe even need your attention.

This week is random acts of kindness week so it is a perfect time to start making an effort.  I know you can do it! Good luck!

References:

*http://www.allteenstalk.com/quotes-about-marriage/

**http://quotesgram.com/quotes-and-sayings-happy-marriage/

***https://d23.com/the-wonderful-world-of-grandparents-disney-style/

****Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print