As a soon to be married individual, I have a lot to learn. I am pretty clueless when it comes to marriage. I have tried to read about the challenges that come from marriage and the things I will need to prepare for but I worry that nothing can prepare you for the real thing. I read a chapter by James Harper about In-laws and how to create good, healthy relationships with them. It was called, Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Family. His suggestions in that chapter were plentiful but they were all very good.
The main part that stuck out to me was that a newly married couple needs to break off from their parents and make their own family unit. This seems like such an abrupt break! I am a family girl. I talk to at least one member of my family every day. They mean a lot to me and I greatly respect their opinions and advice. This has been one issue that I have struggled with since being engaged and will probably struggle with a lot more once I am married. I don't want to get too personal here so I will just say that my family's opinion has a great deal of effect on the choices I make. This does not sit well with my fiance. We worry about making the transition into our own family. I think Harper gives a lot of good advice that I can use in my own transition.
My favorite piece of advice was discussing with your parents the change that is about to happen. I think this change is pretty abrupt. One day we are dating someone they barely know and the next day we are promising to live with this person forever. There will be some growing pains on both sides. It is hard to let go to a lifestyle you have held for the last 20 + years. The good news is you dont have to let go completely! Harper says that we should love our parents just as much if not more now that we are married! We just need to understand that the love we have for them is in a different context. We need to make our own decisions, and then celebrate our choices with them. They are still a huge part of our lives but it will work just a little bit differently. This will make the adjustment seem a little less abrupt and a little more do able.
There are so many tips that Harper gives in his article but I cannot do them justice. I just hope you will go read it for yourself. It is a little long but is so worth the read. Making friends with your in-laws could be a major prevention of divorce! Harper says that 80 percent of divorced couples admit that their parents didn't approve of the marriage in the first place! So give it a shot! It could save your marriage, and a lot of gray hairs!
